Love and Politics
by Galaxina-the-Seedrian
Summary: (related to "Like Father, Like Son", but not canon) Alice Schnitzel acquire a very interesting piece of information from Doofenshmirtz's documents that has to do with the relationship between her and her long-time crush; and quite frankly, she's not happy about it. (Doof/OC)


**Alright, so, apparently writing for the sequel is taking longer than I thought. So I figured that I'd write something for you guys while you wait for "LFLS: The Prisoner". (BTW, if ANY of you have a better title name for the story, then I'd LOVE to hear it. I dunno why, but "The Prisoner" just lacks something.)**

 **But THEN I thought: "Girl, you've already written a one-shot for this a few months back! You can just post THIS instead!"**

 **And I was like: "Thank you brain! You're a genius!"**

 **Then soon after I CURSED my brain because THIS was the one-shot that it had in mind. By the way, CURSE YOU BRAINY THE BRAINAPUS!**

 **Let's make this one thing clear; I wrote this MONTHS ago, while I was reading some romance fics (which isn't something I usually do unless it's good), and for some reason it...charged me up to do something...weird. So DO NOT let this change your opinion of me. It's a pretty weird fic. Weirder than I usually write when it comes to weirdness.**

 **WARNING:** _It's rated T for a reason! There WILL be swearing! THERE IS A PAIRING! A REALLY WEIRD PAIRING!_ _(Also, poor Phineas...yeah)_

" _Phineas and Ferb_ " **belong to** _Dan Povenmire_ **and** _Jeff "Swampy" Marsh_ **, who both work at** _Disney_ **( _LONG LIVE THE EMPIRE!_ )**

 **I own this piece of...uh...literature, as well as** Dr. Alice Schnitzel **and the "** _Like Father, Like Son_ **" series.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **Love and Politics**

 **(~)**

Today, Schnitzel was angry. Particularly peeved. Unusually irritated. Boiling to the point of rage. There was a hint of confusion, a dash of hurt here and there, and over all shock; but the anger filled her to the brim.

She began marching over to Doofenshmirtz's office, not bothering to give anyone a glance, or even so much as a greeting. No. She refused to be distracted. She needed to get this off of her chest.

She needed an explanation for...for...THIS!

She slammed the door of Doofenshmirtz's office open, only assuming that her superior was reclining a mere few minutes ago before she burst in without warning. Doofenshmirtz nearly fell over before realizing it was only her underling. Ha! _Underling her a-!_

"Alice," Doofenshmirtz said, "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

Schnitzel growled. "Don't," she said, "Just...don't...Heinrich-" she walked over and slammed a piece of paper on his desk, her eyes burning, "-What the HELL is _this_?!"

Doofenshmirtz picked up the paper, and read over it carefully. He simply smiled. "Ah, yes," he said, "So, you finally found it after snooping around, eh?"

"Don't joke with me!" Schnitzel yelled, "Why didn't you say anything about this to me?! How long have you had this document?! How long have we been...have we been..."

"...Married?"

Schnitzel said nothing else. How could she? This was a rather odd situation, now that she thought about it, considering that she had been in love with Doofenshmirtz since they were children. Shouldn't she be HAPPY that they were-at least by the Court of Law-married? As in, husband and wife? As in they were bound by...no. That was the problem. This wasn't real. She wanted it to be real. And it hurt that Doofenshmirtz clearly wasn't interested in that.

"...Yes," Schnitzel finally said, "Would you...care to explain that, please?"

"Why we're married, or why I never told you?"

"I was going to ask the former, but, the latter would be nice too."

"Nice for you, buuuut-"

"Heinz!"

"Alright, alright," Doofenshmirtz chuckled, "I was gonna tell you, anyway. No need to be huffy."

Schnitzel crossed her arms, glaring knives into Doofenshmirtz...and then imagining them simply going through him like he was a tangible being. Schnitzel nearly flinched at this. Even in her thoughts the guy seemed nearly invincible!

Doofenshmirtz leaned forward on his desk, leaning his head on his hands while his elbows supported them upward. "Well, its simple," he said, "And even you would be smart enough to know this by now; why do you think so many people even GIVE you the respect that you get? Yeah, we all push you around and crud like that, but only here in DEI. No one outside has ever even attempted to do so much as touch you..."

"That doesn't explain why you did this; and without even letting me IN on it."

"Let me get to that. You see, I did this for imagery sake. Back when we both were with LOVEMUFFIN, about six years back, everyone was...well...worried that I wouldn't be able to...produce an heir."

Schnitzel stared, her blood draining. Doofenshmirtz looked absolutely amused. "...Excuse moi?"

"It's that simple, Alice," Doofenshmirtz said in a dark tone that honestly freaked Schnitzel out, "I need you to-"

"AH!"

Doofenshmirtz began to laugh at Schnitzel shrieking, grabbing his stomach. "Oh, god!" he laughed, "Priceless! As if I would EVER want to resort to THAT!"

Schnitzel grabbed her chest, panting heavily. "...Dammit, don't do that!" she said, "That's...ugh, that's just..." _Incredibly heartbreaking, since you don't even want to do that to me...ugh, what am I even...?!_

"Actually," Doofenshmirtz went on, "I did it to get them off my back. With you as my fake bride, they'll assume that you and I will be able to have children, gaining heirs, blah-blah-blah, that sign and done thing. With that out of the way, I don't need to worry about them constantly asking me "What's gonna happen when ya' die, Doofus? Huh? HUH?!" It got repetitive and annoying really quickly."

Schnitzel stared. "So...this was just a coverup then?" she said, "We're...we're not actually-?"

"No," Doofenshmirtz stated, "To answer your question, we're not actually married."

Schnitzel let out a sigh of relief...or was it sadness? Was she actually disappointed in that?! God, what a rollercoaster of emotions, what the hell was wrong with her?! "Thank goodness," she said, "I thought that, for a second...ugh..."

Doofenshmirtz eye-rolled at the doctor. "Yes, well," he said, "If that's all you wanted to know, it would be nice if-"

"-You still didn't tell me why you didn't let me in on this scheme."

"Oh, that?" Doofenshmirtz asked, "I knew you probably wouldn't have gone for it, so I kept it to myself. Now, if that's all you wanted to know, then I will gladly allow you to return to your work. Good day, Alice."

"..."

"...I said good day, Alice."

"...Bull."

"Huh?"

"THAT'S COMPLETE BULL, HEINZ!" Schnitzel leaned up against the desk, pushing her nose against Doofenshmirtz's, "YOU KNOW ME BETTER THAN THAT! YOU MUST! WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER SINCE WE WERE PRACTICALLY TODDLERS!"

"Jeez," Doofenshmirtz glared, "Calm down, Alice. All I said was-"

"DON'T GIVE ME THAT CRAP!" Schnitzel yelled, "I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU! I have stood by your side for years! I've helped you gain this empire of yours; all those murders we committed, the bodies we hid, the plans we, yes **we** , made together! It was mostly you, but have you forgotten that I was THERE?! After all this time, I would assume by now that you'd realize that I would do ANYTHING for you!"

Doofenshmirtz's glare dropped as he stared at Schnitzel in shock. Schnitzel looked back, relaying what she had just said. If that wasn't a full-out confession, then what was? She screwed up, following her emotions like that. Schnitzel's face reddened.

"I-I...I...What I mean...is," she growled, feeling whatever was left of her pride (if she had any to begin with, that is) completely drain, "Ugh! Oh, who cares anyway?! I should be getting back to work anyway! Good day to you, Heinz."

She turned to leave, but didn't take a step. She couldn't. Doofenshmirtz's laugh was creepy enough to stop her in her tracks before they had even begun. She looked back, and saw a look of pure evil. One that seemed a little too hypnotizing than it should have been. "Ha, ha, ha," Doofenshmirtz stood, "So...is that it, then?"

"I-is...is what i-it?" Schnitzel swallowed something in her throat, feeling herself shrink as Doofenshmirtz walked around his desk and leaned on it on the side.

"Are you trying to...tell me something, Alice?" he asked, a little "innocently", "Something to do with-?"

"NO!" Schnitzel found herself shouting. She cleared her throat. "Uh...no, sir. Not at all, sir. That was out of the moment, sir."

Doofenshmirtz chuckled more. "Ah, but that's the thing, isn't it," he continued to walk towards Schnitzel, "You see, I DO know you well, Alice, dear."

Schnitzel began to sweat buckets; or at least it felt like that to her. She saw Doofenshmirtz, who was much taller than her, lean over her face, grinning in a strange, alien way. "For one thing," he stated, almost in a whisper, "You never call me sir unless you're nervous about something...and I don't mean your usual form of nervousness; I mean the kind that makes you absolutely terrified that I've figured something out."

Schnitzel felt her mouth become dry as he came closer. She took a step back. "Wh-what are you doing?!" Schnitzel squeaked, "Get away, Heinz! This isn't funny!"

"Whose joking?" Doofenshmirtz asked, "I'm being totally serious here, Alice."

Schnitzel stared in total horror. Was he trying to seduce her?! No. No, no, no, no, no! This couldn't be happening! Well, yes, this was something oddly romantic, but, NO! She didn't want it to go like THIS!

Schnitzel flinched as she felt her back hit the wall. She let out another small, pathetic squeak as Doofenshmirtz leaned his hands against the wall on both of her sides, trapping her. Schnitzel felt like hyperventilating, but Doofenshmirtz's gaze was too hypnotic for that somehow. She whimpered when he leaned forward. "You know what?" he asked, "I never noticed...you're...very alluring when you're this helpless..."

Schnitzel felt her heart racing, pounding against her chest like a reckless boy trying to break his toy drum for the sheer enjoyment of it. She stared into that single blue eye, that seemed to be like an ocean that just kept getting bigger as Doofenshmirtz leaned forward. By now, Doofenshmirtz didn't even seem to know what he was doing; that was Schnitzel's thoughts anyway. He just kept getting closer, his smile fading, looking rather adamant about what he was doing...

...Or was going to do, had Schnitzel not slapped him hard in the face, causing him to reel back in pain. Schnitzel glared weakly, partially embarrassed by what had just occurred, and partially due to the horror of her actions. If she wasn't screwed before, then she definitely was now. She mentally flushed at the double meaning of that statement.

Oh, she'd be screwed alright.

Doofenshmirtz on the other hand began to laugh again, softer than before. He looked at Schnitzel with a toothy grin. "You know how I love violence, Alice," he stated, "You DO know me well..."

"You're insane," Schnitzel spat, "Out of your mind. Completely bombastic!"

Doofenshmirtz smiled softly as she went on with her rant of how he was the crazy one. He chuckled again. "Yes," he said, "Yes I am."

"...Huh?!"

Doofenshmirtz lean over Schnitzel again, this time knocking them both over to the ground. Schnitzel was gasping in terror by now, while Doofenshmirtz grinned seductively. "But at least I'm not stupid, like you," he hissed before leaning in to smash his lips onto Schnitzel's.

The woman's mind turned into mush. She was kissing Heinz. Heinz Doofenshmirtz. The love of her life.

Oh, god, why?! Why couldn't she enjoy this?! Why was it so terrifying for her to be in this position?! She wanted this her whole life, and now-!

Schnitzel decided then and there that she was going to screw it for now. She pushed her lips back, earning a pleasant sound from Doofenshmirtz. It was just like Schnitzel thought it would be like, aside from the force; he tasted like almond brittle. To Doofenshmirtz, she tasted like strawberries. And he pushed harder to keep that in his mouth. Schnitzel moaned a little, which Doofenshmirtz found himself mentally grinning at.

Eventually, they broke a part. They stared at each other's gaze. Schnitzel wondered if it was sincere by now, or if Doofenshmirtz was simply out to make her feel awful? Either way, it seemed to be in her favor, now that she thought about it; because she didn't care. Heinz would never love her. This was the closest she would get to feeling that he did.

Doofenshmirtz began to lick his lips, tasting Schnitzel's saliva on them. He hummed a bit, while Schnitzel stared up at him shyly. "...So..." she said, "That...that was...interesting...can...can you...?"

The other gave a glare, to which the woman shrunk back a bit. However, instead of being punished for speaking out of turn, like Schnitzel had been so many times before, his gaze seemed to soften a bit. Suddenly, Doofenshmirtz leaned his hand down to her midsection, his grin returning. Schnitzel gasped. "H-Heinz-?!"

"I'm bored," Doofenshmirtz answered in a tone that matched his words evenly.

Schnitzel gave one of the most incredulous glares that she had ever given Doofenshmirtz in particular. "What?!"

"I'm bored. I need some entertainment, Alice."

"Don't call me that! A-and I've said this a million times, I'm no concubi-!"

Doofenshmirtz hushed Schnitzel with another, much shorter kiss. He smiled softly at Schnitzel's face full of panic and confusion. Well, not confusion. She knew all to well where this was leading.

"Let's have some fun, Ally."

Schnitzel whimpered. "Ally" was what he would call her when they were younger. When he had that adorable lisp that made "Alice" sound his a snake hissing, after he had lost a few teeth from fighting Boris. When Heinz truly did adore her and showed her that they were best friends, even though she tended to drive him crazy all the time from her antics; because he did the same thing, in his own Heinz-way, and that's what best friends did. And best friends never did this to each other- -they never tried to hurt each other.

...Was Doofenshmirtz hurting her this time, though?

Before Schnitzel could answer this logically, or before Doofenshmirtz could do what was to be done, the door opened again, earning both reactions. Phineas walked in, not looked at them at first, but at a clipboard, that seemed to be slightly burnt. He himself was also slightly burnt, and his face had a look of calm irritation. "Hey, Doofenshmirtz, sir," he said, "I got the documents you wanted! They're a little charred now, of course, since the Norm-Bots were malfunctioning, and-"

Phineas dropped the clipboard and stared. Doofenshmirtz and Schnitzel stared back. Phineas found his face turning red. They're faces turned even redder than his.

Doofenshmirtz pushed himself to his knees, while Schnitzel sat up, pulling herself away from Doofenshmirtz. "IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!" Schnitzel shrieked, "H-he fell on top of me-!"

"-on accident!" Doofenshmirtz seemed agree, a small squeak in his voice from utter shock, "Of cooooourse, not by any other means-!"

"-RIGHT!" Schnitzel stated as she got back to her feet, brushing herself off, "Nothing else happened! He JUST fell on me! NOTHING! ELSE!"

Phineas continued to stare for a bit, clearly wanting to believe what was told to him, before he coughed, silently cursing his own awareness. "W-well, um..." he looked away, still red-face, "I-I...I brought the...uh..." he leaned down and picked up the clipboard, "J-just take it, sir. Please?"

"Thank you, Phineas," Doofenshmirtz said, his voice still a little shaken, though had regained most of its composure after a small cough came from him. He took the clipboard, "Now, uh...what was that about the Norm-Bots?"

Phineas blinked dumbly as he collected his thoughts. "Uh...they...malfunctioned?"

"Ah, yes, you should probably get back to that, hm?"

"R-right...sir..." Phineas turned to walk away, and nearly ran out the door, muttering something along the lines of "I walked in while they were about to have sex, oh god!"

Schnitzel sighed. "...That...that was...ugh," she rubbed her temples.

Doofenshmirtz turned to give a very harsh glare at his subordinate. "We shall never speak of this again to anyone," he stated.

"Agreed," Schnitzel said, "But I doubt Phin-"

"Oh, he won't tell anyone," Doofenshmirtz cut her off, "I...I trust he won't."

"Wait, what?" Schnitzel looked at Doofenshmirtz confused, "But, I thought you hated his guts. He's the brother of the Resistance leader, and the pet owner of your nemesis, remember?"

"Yeah, well," Doofenshmirtz turned away, "He may be among my least favorite people, but...recently, he's proved that he's...very good at keeping secrets."

Schnitzel stared, wondering what Doofenshmirtz meant by that. She let out another sigh, rubbing her temples, feeling a headache come on. "Can...can I...just go...please?" she practically begged, "I have patients that need to be tended to..."

Doofenshmirtz looked at Schnitzel, and stared at her. She stared back. What the heck was he thinking right now? "...Sure," he said, "You may go back to work, Alice."

Schnitzel sighed in relief as she turned to leave as she did before. No sooner had she reached the door, Doofenshmirtz said, "But I expect you back for some briefing, later. Perhaps...this evening, maybe?"

"What?" Schnitzel turned back, "But you gave me a briefing this...mor..."

Doofenshmirtz simply stared as Schnitzel fled out of the room, silently screaming to herself as she pieced together what Doofenshmirtz had planned for her.

Doofenshmirtz smiled. "I'm probably going to enjoy this far more than I should."

 **A/N:**

 **To those of you going "WTF did I just read?" do not fret! This is not cannon to the "Like Father, Like Son" series! I just wrote it because...hormones?**

 **I'm not even sure what to call this: cute, creepy, weird (well, YEAH it's weird), or what? But you know what, if you read through this, then GOOD for you, you get a cookie! If not, then that's okay too, you have a life of your own to live and...and stuff...that or you suck.**

 **So, how about you leave a review and stuff, and we NEVER mention this ever again. 'Kay?**

 _"LFLS: The Prisoner **" is coming soon to a computer near you!**_

 **-GTS**


End file.
